Home for the Helidays:

A counselor's point of view

by Robert J. Chapman, Ph.D.

Students, being human, are sentient beings--attentive, responsive, and most of all "thinking" beings. On some occasions, however, this gift of sentience appears to exacerbate rather than mollify emotional reactions prompted by the pending holiday season. These reactions can cause some to literally panic and "catastrophize" when flooded with memories of "holidays past." For many in families with addicted members, this season acts more like a time machine, instantly transporting them back to a time when addicted behavior made it seem like they had gone "home for the helidays" rather than home to celebrate caring and sharing with members of the family.

The problem of catastrophizing over the prospect of returning home to a chaotic family is particularly noticeable during late adolescence and with young adults, particularly those who have fled dysfunctional families, perhaps to college, a marriage, or the service. On the flip side of this coin are the parents who are torn between a longing to have their son or daughter with them for the holidays and the dread that the season will somehow be transformed from an occasion to share warm holiday moments to something akin to a Simpson's episode storyboard.

Some students anxiously await the opportunity to share the season with their addicted loved one(s), believing in true co-dependent style that their time apart will somehow have enabled the family to miraculously resolve its previous problems. Often, students who return to an addicted family unit have been away just long enough for memories of the family's chaotic behavior to have been eroded by time. Still others are paralyzed by the fear of what awaits when they return to this likely chaos. In short, these young adults are all, at the least, anxious about returning home for the holiday season. And many, too many, are petrified about "going home for the helidays."

While this picture is not hard to envision, we must prepare ourselves to help students "get through" such situations. Here are several proactive steps counselors can consider in order to help students prepare for surviving "the helidays":

Help students remember: Just as no family member makes the alcohol or other drug dependent individual drink or use, neither can anyone keep him/her from drinking or using. This is arguably the single most frequent irrational belief held by untreated members of an addicted family. On a cognitive level, family members "know this" yet, on an emotional level, they have failed to "accept this." This point is of paramount importance when helping students prepare for the helidays. If a client cannot accept her/his limits when interacting with the addicted family member, the client will react to the family problem rather than acting on a personal solution.

Case in point: Phyllis was a 22 year old college senior, dreading the holiday season because of the all but certain reality that her alcoholic father would ruin Thanksgiving dinner by "Making one of his scenes." As we spoke it became clear that Phyllis would help her mother prepare the meal all day, clean the house before the company arrived, and, as her number one job, "Make sure your father does not get drunk before dinner." Phyllis discussed her growing anxiety, knowing that her father would get intoxicated, make a scene, and leave her to deal with her mother's rage over not preventing this. When asked for proof that she could accomplish what her mother assigned, she quipped, "Are you kidding, keep my father from drinking?" We discussed not setting herself up for a "traditional" Thanksgiving by refusing to accept the task of keeping dad sober. Instead, we discussed how Phyllis could avoid getting caught in the crossfire between her parents.

Help students remember: The 1st rule of codependency to be challenged is the need to put the addicted individual first, in front of all else in one's life. To this end, discuss with your client the merits of inviting the addicted family member to celebrate and socialize with the family, but if he/she refuses, so be it... GO ON AND CELEBRATE YOUR HOLIDAY ANYWAY!

Case in point: A first-year college student who was very anxious to return home for the holidays spoke with me. She came to college in order to escape the chaos of her alcoholic family, but quickly became concerned about her younger brothers and sisters living in that environment - who was making sure they were up for school; who was doing the laundry and cooking for them; who was buffering them from their father's alcohol-induced rages? This student did not return from the holidays, choosing instead to remain at home, attend community college, and care for the family.

Help students remember: As difficult as an obnoxious intoxicant may be to deal with, avoid confrontations when the addicted individual is "under the influence." Confrontation is to the intoxicated person as kerosene is to a flame!

Case in point: A client would plead with his mother not to drink during the holidays yet she would still "have just a couple to celebrate with the family" and eventually become intoxicated, embarrassing my client in front of his friends. This would prompt an angry exchange, resulting in him leaving and vowing to "never let that happen again." I asked my client to envision walking down a dark street and encountering a mad dog. What were the chances that he would approach the dog in order to stroke it and reason with it in order to assuage his fears? He looked at me like I was as dumb as a box of rocks and said he would cross the street and stay as far away from the dog as possible. I then asked why he thought he could reason with his mother when she was drinking?

Help students remember: While there is no excuse for the addicted individual's behavior, it is understandable. Believe it or not, most addicted individuals do not intend to do what they do. True, they may intentionally drink or drug, but they do not necessarily intend to "act out." In addiction counseling 101 we all learned that the working definition for the insanity of addiction is the belief that "this time it will be different." Individuals with addictions drink/drug, get drunk/high and do intoxicated things. This thought won't lessen our frustration but it may help prevent being drawn into the craziness of addiction.

Case in point: A client walks into my office after the holidays and is livid. He unloads about how his "hop-head brother" totally ruined the holidays. Long story short, the holidays had not been ruined, at least for the rest of the family, it's just that my client could not understand that his brother was simply doing what he knew how to do. I suggested that if he wanted to continue our conversation, he was going to have to switch to speaking French. He looked at me like I was insane and said he couldn't speak French. I suggested I did not care, if he wanted my attention, he was going to have to speak in the language I wanted to speak in. He saw my point, smiled, and we talked about how we all know what we learn and learn what we are taught. His brother could no more not use simply because it was Christmas than my client could speak French on demand. I ended the discussion by asking if he could learn French given enough time and support. He smiled and said, "Probably."

Help students remember: Addiction is an issue of health not one of morality. As the diabetic can no more tolerate sugar during the holidays than at any other time of the year, neither can the addicted person tolerate alcohol or pills any better just because it is Christmas or New Years. While it is true that the holidays seem to be a time when "more" of everything is somehow associated with successful celebrating, this increased presence does not mean that the addicted reveler is less susceptible or any better able to assuage the effects of intoxicating drink or other drugs.

Case in point: A student was discussing the likelihood that his grandfather would get drunk during Christmas and spoil the holiday, "as usual." When I asked why he was so angry about this pending event, he replied, "You'd think he could stay sober just one day out of the year and not spoil everything for everybody else." I simply asked, "What makes you think Christmas would be any different than any other day?" I got the expected litany of reasons, but I reiterated my original question, suggesting that if an addiction is a health issue like diabetes, what is so special about "that" day that could suspend the symptoms of an illness? Our conversation was longer than this brief exchange, but he was able to see the illogic in his previous reasoning.

In short, addicted people use alcohol and other drugs because they cannot not use, try as they may. To this end, if families of addicted individuals don't expect them to act differently simply because it is a holiday, then an addict's using on the holiday does not come as such a frustration. Again, this does not help family members "like" the behavior any more, but perhaps it does help them avoid being drawn into the craziness of an addicted person's intoxicated logic. In this season of great expectations, with media reinforced pictures of the way the holiday "should be," remember that quote in Luke, Ch. 2:14, in the Christian Bible, "Peace on earth to men/women of good will." Remember: People with addictions are people with health problems, as obnoxious as their behavior may be. While it may appear they could not drink/use for "just one day if they really wanted to," addiction does not work that way. As addictions professionals, we accept this, but do our students? As a recovering friend once said to me, "Bad things DO happen to good people."

To read more of Dr. Chapman's essay click HERE